I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
