Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
