is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
