i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
