just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
