when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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