Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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