he shaved USA in his pubs
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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