I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
