I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
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We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
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Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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