Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
