My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
