Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
