Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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