i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
