the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
