airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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