so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
