I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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