High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
