Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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