Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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