what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
