I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I think people are normalizing furries
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
