she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
