dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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