He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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