I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
