I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
