Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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