you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
