you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
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No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
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He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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