I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
