I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
