Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
