Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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