I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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