Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...