Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
