Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize