i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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