I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
