My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
