So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
