Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
