Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
