Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
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just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
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It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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