I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
