I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.