I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
