Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
smell my finger.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
