You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
