I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
