So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Houston, we have a squirter
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Randomize
