i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
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So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
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Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.