she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
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Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
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Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza