She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..