My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
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Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
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It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman