Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
