are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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